Currently, I find myself in a situation where I have to exercise restraint in my desires. I have found myself liking a friend mine. Out of respect for my friend and her relationship, I can't allow myself to progress any farther than friendship until the relationship is on hold or ended. It is not the most ideal situation for me, and knowing that she isn't the happiest in the relationship does not make it any easier, but I do take solace in knowing that I am being respectful, and that it is appreciated. Of course, this is the situation that has driven me to write this entry.

I find that the most important element of a relationship, be it sexual or platonic is the respect that the two parties share for each other. Without this respect, there is no sense of duty or loyalty to one another, and without any moral duty towards someone, you're more likely willing to take advantage of this person. Put on a universal scale, and society cannot function because we are then put into a situation, much like Hobbes' state of nature. We need relationships to help progress as individuals and a society as a whole. While I am not fond of people, I choose to be respectful towards people for this reason.

While close friendships, in general, need vast amounts of respect to work, sexual relationships require a lot more. If you cannot even show enough respect towards a mate as you do a friend, then the relationship is doomed to fail. It may not fail in terms of longevity, but it will fail to keep both parties happy, especially the party whose being disrespected. I think this is the key principle behind my philosophy of respecting others' relationships. If I cannot respect a potential mate as a friend, then I don't feel that I could respect her in my relationship, as I would not have any concept of respect in a relationship.

I find that if a potential mate allows you disrespect their current relationship, then that only shows that they don't have respect for that relationship, and that could very well be the case for your relationship should it progress to that. If both parties are not willing to respect each other, then the relationship is not worth it. It would only be a relationship of lust, and happiness cannot come from that.

In all, respect is the catalyst for social and individual progression and successful, loving relationships (both platonic and sexual). Not only does showing respect help but to command respect being given back to you, it can also help to judge how others are willing to respect you. If someone is willing to reciprocate the respect that you give to them, then you know it is someone you can trust to be loyal and vice versa.

I know what you are thinking. Here is just another angry rant towards women by an irrational guy who can only think with his genitals instead of the brain that they were meant to think with. It's a funny generalization that is, and I would had hope by now that my readers (if I have any) would know not to think of me as any stereotypical norm that they would try to fit me in. It just doesn't work, and now this rambling has detracted from my intended topic. Rest assured that this isn't a baseless attempt to berate women.

Simply put, women never know what they want. Ever. Their emotions are too scattered to even attempt to be stern on an issue. This, of course, is a great argument against a female president, but that's another rant for another day (ie. it is a rant I should right about, but I will pass up on account of being lazy). They constantly change what they want based on what all of their girlfriends and society tells them. They're way too fickle for their own good, and it is us guys that are the ones who end up suffering because of this negative trait that nearly every one of them share.

This is clearly evident when it comes to them finding a spouse for themselves. They have this picture perfect idea of their relationships, wedding, and marriage that is supposed to bring them joy. Regardless of the fact that their ideas are complete fantasies, none of that will bring them true happiness. However, because of this nonsensical mindset that women have, it is the guys that have to endure the backlash of not being Prince Charming. Sure, they know that their ideas probably won't happy, and they will even settle for someone less than Mr. Perfect, but they will not let their dreams die right there. Oh no, they will try to shape and mold you into what they think they want. Of course, this backfires and only pisses them off when they realize that changing a person is futile. Again, who gets the backlash of this unpleasant quality in women? You guessed it, us men.

Not only this, but women will also want one thing and then let themselves be swayed over to something else in the mere blink of an eye. Regardless of who or what this affects, their emotions are what comes first no matter how sudden and irrational those emotions may be. While us men share a similar quality, we do not let this define ourselves. Most of these sudden changes in emotion are temporary and generally physical/sexual. While this trait in men can be dangerous in keeping a monogamous relationship, we are far less likely to be swoon by someone or something else.

I could go on, but I figure I can always expand this another day. I just felt like this was a nice topic to discuss with the events that prevented itself last night. Anyway, I'm out.

It all started that Sunday when I was pissed off after TRYING to get through to my parents with my, solid logic. That didn't work, obviously. Andy and Lauren were online, so I started to talk to them. They asked if I wanted to hang out with them. I said sure, since I wanted out of the house more than usual. I explain the whole situation to them, and Andy suggests that the 3 of us go down to visit Shawna on Labor Day weekend. This was great news, and I figured it'd be easy enough to mention going to Silver Lake instead. Well, come to find out Monday night that Andy and Lauren can't go. I was ready to throw in the towel over the plans, and Shawna was upset. Then Andy and Lauren suggested that I still go, and they'd cover for me. I took them up on the offer.

Apparently, my mom never truly did trust that my plan was to go up to Silver Lake. How right she was. That day, she apparently wrote down the mileage on my odometer (yeah, I know, that's invasion of privacy). Well, I come back from my trip to see Shawna on Sunday, and my parents come back from camping on Monday. They again invade my privacy and check the odometer. They see that I put 1000 miles on my car for the week instead of the 400 that it was going to take for a round trip to Silver Lake.

Anyways, long story short, my parents decided to keep their word, and they are giving me a deadline to get out of the house. From what my dad was discussing with me earlier, it might not be until the end of the year, which would work great for me. My parents have talked since then, so I don't know if anything has changed. We'll see. I'm not too worried, and I'm actually somewhat welcoming this opportunity to get out of the house. Many of my family members, especially my grandma, seem to be critical of my decision. Maybe my views are a bit too socially liberal for them.

So enough of that story, I have a few more things to let you guys in on. First is how my trip went. My trip went pretty well, although we were quite lazy. Well, I was the lazy one, anyways. I drove all day Friday, so I took Saturday easy. Shawna was restless, and I offered to get out of the house with her, but she didn't know what there was to do, so we ended up staying home, laying down all day. It was comfortable, though. I can't complain that I was able to just relax with my girlfriend for once. The trip down there was easier than I thought. Though, once the sun went down, I started to feel the fatigue. I made there safely, and my body wasn't too sore. On Sunday, I headed out at about 3pm CST (4pm EST), and that drive was considerably easier than the one to Illinois. Again, once the sun went down, I started to feel the fatigue. Only this time, I was even more tired coming down to the last hour and half of driving. I struggled to keep myself awake, but I was glad that I was able to do so.

Another thing I want to mention is I have been working extensively on my designs as of late, again. I got my portfolio up to snuff, but there's a few things I have to tweak. I've also made sure that all of my sites are XHTML 1.0 Strict. I don't want to use any of that pussy Transitional bullshit because I know that I can actually code. Yeah, Roger, that's an insult directed towards you.

Also, quick plug... I found this great program that syncs my files automatically. It's called AllwaySync. Since I lost all my designs because I didn't have more than one copy of them, I decided that it's probably a good idea to find something to back up all my files with. Two months later, I finally do so. I searched Google for a program to synchronize files, and that was one of the first to come up. I looked through that, and I noticed that it was free, and it was just what I wanted, too. Hopefully, I won't be at risk to lose all my files again. If you're interested, you can get it at http://www.allwaysync.com.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, my parents don't support my relationship with Shawna. That's perfectly fine. I couldn't care less if they liked it or not. It's not their relationship to make decisions on. It's mine, and there's no debating that. The only reason why they are bringing up my maturity level is because they can. If I wanted to drive up north for a couple days to golf at Garland, they would let me. They would let me without even a second thought. The difference here? It's because I want to go see my girlfriend that they disapprove of, that they feel is "inappropriate" for me. No other reason for that. They'll just excuse it by tossing it into the whole "big picture" bullshit argument. Again, it's IRRELEVANT.

I've never felt so justified in disagreeing with my parents. In previous situations, I'd feel that I was right for a few hours or a couple days, then I'd end up seeing my parents' point of view, and I'd end up agreeing with it. This situation is completely different. I've felt ever more justified since Thursday night. Last night is when I felt the most justified... until today. I'm just so incredibly pissed at my parents, and I've never felt this way for so long. There's something to this that's different. Maybe this is what I need to finally get the fuck out of this house and prove their distrust of me wrong.

I love my parents, but this is just too much. They don't want to believe that I can do it. They don't want to let me make my own decisions that have no bearing on the "big picture". If it did, they'd be right. I would have no way to disagree with that. However, it's just a simple trip I wanted to make. Nothing that takes an incredible amount of responsibility to do. I took care of all of my responsibilities surrounding this situation. I got my brother to cover my shift. I made sure I had the available funds. I made sure that I didn't include anybody in this except for myself. My parents aren't lending me any money. My parents aren't lending me their vehicle. My parents aren't driving me anywhere. This is entirely MY TRIP. You'd think that would mean something, but it doesn't. I'm tired of it. I'm done.

Since I'm no longer going to Illinois next Friday, which I'll mention later, I'll be going to the Michigan game. They're playing a nobody team, but we should get to see some of our favorite players prove that they're better than before. We can hope, anyways. It should be a good year for Henne, Hart, and Manningham. We picked up the #2 ranked QB in the nation coming out of high school, so hopefully he won't be a bust. He has a nice arm. I saw some highlight clips of him.

So, first week of school. Wow, what a lot of non-exciting bs. The first two classes I got to "enjoy" was my Algebra class. I only have one Monday class until the 10th of September. So this will allow me to work more until that day comes. Then I'll have a boring HTML class that I already know everything for. I mean, HTML... as simple as a language can get. Should be a snore.

Last night I had my first Intro to Computer Systems class. That was a boring, class. Unlike last time when I was taking this course, I am going to have to be there about every week. I'm not entirely looking forward to that. The teacher seems nice enough, but the curriculum couldn't be easier. I get to learn about Microsoft Office and other computer details. Stuff I learned back in my Microsoft 2000 class back in my Junior year of high school.

I'm going to need motivation to always get to my Algebra class. I believe I have a solution for that. I decided that I need to lose what extra weight I have. To do so, I'm exercising in the mornings by getting up at 7am, and walking/running before work and class. This will help me go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, lose weight, and not skip class. This certainly couldn't hurt anything.

Like I said earlier, I'm not going to be able to make it to Illinois next weekend. It's not that I don't want to or I have no way of getting down there. It's that I wouldn't have a place to live if I was to go visit Shawna. My mom is back at it again. I can see her side of the situation, but I'm not entirely sure why it matters. She has no say in my relationship. It's not any of her business. What goes on in my life outside of the home has no bearing on her, so why should she feel the need to try and block me from going to see Shawna?

I understand that she doesn't like the fact that Shawna's 17. Okay, I get it. I don't like that she's 17, either, but I obviously decided to date her because she's not like any normal 17 year-old. That's another thing, my mom will agree that I'm immature for my age, but then she'll completely ignore the idea that Shawna could be mature for her age. My mom knows that I wouldn't date someone who isn't up to my standards. I don't date dumb, immature girls. Sorry, but that's just not how I work. She knows that, too. She insisted that she'd like Melonie, before she met her, because I'm dating her, so she must be respectable and intelligent. Hmm, why can't Shawna be the same? I don't get it. Shawna is mature for her age. Yeah, she does some immature things, but no adult goes through life doing/saying things that are "beneath" them in maturity. I know I do plenty of those things. Nobody is perfect.

My mom also fears that I would get Shawna pregnant because I would pursue a sexual relationship with her. My mom needs to give us some credit. We're not going to be stupid about it. Neither of us are ready for kids, so we're not going to be careless in what we decide to do. Besides, Shawna is on birth control, and she has been for a few years. Not that birth control is 100% in preventing pregnancies, but at 99%+, it's a pretty damn good method of being sure that she doesn't get pregnant if we decided to do anything when I was to visit. Even so, protecting me from my mistakes doesn't make me a better adult. Sure, I could always listen to what she has to say and live life according to what SHE feels is correct, but then where does that leave me? That leaves me as her puppet. My mom can't possibly be right 100% of the time, so how do I be my own person, and know when to heed to her advice and warnings if I never try and make any decisions on my own? I learn best with trial and error.

One argument that my mom sites is completely valid, though. It's that I don't have full responsibility as an adult. I do have life pretty easy, and I have few of the responsibilities than an adult living on their own has. I blame this on going to school. If I didn't have class, I could afford to live on my own. I could afford a $500/mo apartment, pay for all of the utilities, pay for my car payment, and my car insurance payment. I would even have money to spend and save. It wouldn't be as much as I have now to spend and save, but it would be enough to live fairly comfortably. Again, school disallows me to do this.

I, also, haven't been showing that I'm the most responsible at home, either. My room is rarely ever clean, and I always forget to do the dishes and take care of simple stuff that would take me no more than a minute to do. I'm not entirely sure of my disconnect with that. I know it's simple, and I know it needs to be done, but I just... don't do it. I know that I need to do it, too. I'm going to try and fix this over the course of the next month, but we'll see how well that turns out. I want to fix this for more than one reason. I would love to show my parents that I have the capabilities of being my own person, so that they'll trust my decisions more, including dating Shawna. I also want to prepare myself for when I do live on my own. If I just get the easy chores out of the way, then it's just done. I'm not sure why I procrastinate so much on this. Thirdly, I want to show my parents that I appreciate all that they do for me, even if my actions don't show it. Wish me luck.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to do this semester, but I'm hoping to do quite well. I have the motivation, let's just hope that this carries on throughout the semester, so I don't catch myself doing the same thing in every previous semester... putting off the work until I can no longer turn it in and suffer the consequences of bad grades. I have Shawna as my motivation, and also the realization that my brother very well could pass a class that I'm taking. I'm not going to let that happen.

This summer has been quite different from semesters in the past. I actually did a lot more socially, and I certainly did a lot more drinking. I turned some of my brother's friends into decent friends of my own. I was able to do things with Lauren and Andy, her boyfriend. This summer was definitely better than any I've experienced beforehand. Just think, this probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my break-up with Melonie.

For the first time in 2 (or 3) years, I picked up a golf club, and I joined my dad's golf league. The league is still going to continue until it gets too cold to golf. It's well worth the money spent each week to golf. The environment is definitely enjoyable. Golfing with typical, perverted guy conversations, and alcohol running through (almost) everybody's veins. I'm geared up to do this again next year if things allow for it.

This year has definitely shown a sharp rise in parties hosted at my house. With my parents not caring as long as things in the house aren't broken and the neighbors aren't bothered. This has definitely been the gateway to my social life. Also a good gateway into my social alcoholism that I get to enjoy legally since I turned 21 in April. I've also found out that all beer isn't bad, and that rum and coke is a great drink to enjoy. I'm sure my knowledge of drinks will only increase henceforth.

I didn't get to do the traveling that I was hoping to get to do this summer. I wanted to be able to travel up north this summer and enjoy the scenery and some golf. Unfortunately, I never got around to doing it. I'm not entirely sure why, but I didn't. I think I would have been able to, but it's all on me and the lack of decision making on my part. Oh well, there's always next year. Plus, who knows what about this fall when the colors are brilliant up north. Maybe I'll wait until then.

This summer also marks the shortest amount of time that I have been single. I was single for a little less than 3 months. If you want to get technical, I think the time before my fling with Kim and my laughable attempt at a long distance relationship with Amber would be officially the shortest time (July to September 2003). I don't consider it that because neither were real relationships. I mean, Amber and I ended because she stopped calling me because she got a job, and I stopped being interested when I realized that she was ugly (she was hotter when I remembered knowing her in person). Already some things aren't working in Shawna and my favor, but what joy ever came out of something that you didn't have to work at? We're both willing to work at making things work, and dedication is what matters to make things work, but also responsibility and wisdom has a lot to do with making relationships work.

Speaking of short amount of time... Melonie is apparently engaged with her boyfriend of 3 months. I'm not entirely sure what's going through her mind, but she thought I was supposed to be happy for her. She must forget that she bitched me out last week, and is also quite young to be getting engaged to someone after THREE months of dating and living with the retard for a short period of time. Some of you may suggest that I'm jealous of her, but rest assured that this is not the case. I just have to laugh at the irresponsibility that she's showing, and I'm not going to try and explain it to her because she never heeded to my suggestions when we dated, so she certainly wouldn't do it now. Either way, she's living with her boyfriend, and they have virtually no money. He's working, she's going to go to school, and she's hoping to get a job, too. Oh, how naive she is. More power to them if they succeed, but I'm not going to support her, and I'm certainly not going to care what the Hell is going on with her life.

I know that this blog is probably boring to most of you who read this. Don't worry, I'll start throwing in rants about politics soon enough. I just do not have the right mindset to sit down and think of a topic to think about and post on. I need a reason to rant about it, too. I just have no reason at this time, so you will probably just have to suffer with me telling pointless stories about my life that only seem to interest one person. Let me know if there's anything that you want me to wrap my Libertarian mind around and post about. Not that anybody ever listens to what I have to say, anyways.

New email you can write to:

You're probably asking what's up with the whole "beer" and "bagel" thing, right? Well, it's a new site that I've been working on, Beer and a Bagel. It's not my brain child, but I am going to be a part of it. Roger chose the name and the colors, and I'm doing the designing. It's a site that will showcase random, funny videos and pictures. Unlike most random video sites, this will remain free of pornography. At least, that's what Roger says.

Let me tell you, Friday night was FUN. Oh, boy, what a blast. I was brought into the issues of my friends' relationship. Both Lauren and Andy had me give them advice and talk to them about their wonderful relationship problems. Things were ugly, and I was thrown right into the middle of it all. It basically ruined my entire night. Shawna was getting mad at me because I wasn't talking to her, and I couldn't help it with people coming up to me. Eventually they both went home to sleep on it, and it seems that the storm has passed.

School starts up in a week. I'm not exactly excited about this. I did make a deal with my brother this morning, though. We're both going to share our $100+ materials for school. He gets to use my TI-83 calculator, and I get to use his book. It saves us each $100, and I'm quite happy about that. Otherwise, I'm dreading the return to curriculum. I have NO ambition to go back, but I'm not going to let myself slip into the old habits, and hopefully I can get Shawna to help me on this. I don't think I can do it alone, and she'll have to be my motivation. Likewise, I'm going to push her in her curriculum. She's going to do well, and I'm going to make sure she does.

In other news, Labor Day is quickly approaching, and I still plan very much to visit Shawna. I have been getting some understandable dissent from other family members, but I feel that it would be worth the risk. I would much rather meet the person I'm dating sooner than later, so there's no wasted time if there's no chemistry in person. Also, it's harder to maintain a relationship when there's no physical attention. Talking to someone every day does not have the same effect as being together in person.

My mom also labeled Shawna with her having no father present and reaching out to try and fill the void. I can't say I completely disagree with my mom. I think that this may have a bearing on how quickly things in my relationship have progressed. I just don't think that it's the whole story, and there's more to Shawna's feelings for me than just looking to fill that void. Maybe I'm listening to my mom too much, or I'm not listening to her enough. Either way, I think I need to learn the hard way or reap the benefits of believing in the impossible. I'm hoping for the latter.

One thing that I'm finding difficult to have to think about is that my mom's opinion on when we should meet. My mom doesn't think I should meet her until she is 18. While I can see her reasoning for it because it is kind of "dangerous" that she is 18, and I'm 21, I think it would be incredibly detrimental to my relationship that could otherwise be stronger if we were to meet earlier. I, also, don't want to have to wait 4 months to see my girlfriend. While I did live doing so, it wasn't the easiest to deal with. I can't help but to realize that the inaccessibility of my relationship with Melonie is what ultimately lead to the downfall of it, and I'm not wanting this relationship to suffer the same fate if I can have anything to do with it. Traveling to see Shawna sooner and more often would be beneficial.

Just like my relationship with Melonie, I'm forced to evaluate my relationship in its early stages and with extreme scrutiny. It's not exactly fun, and I find it to be quite unfair. Life isn't fair, so I have to roll with the punches, I suppose. I do plan on taking my mom's advice to heart, and I plan on making my own decisions through thinking it over. My mom has been through more, so her opinion isn't something I can just toss to the side, but even the most wise are still capable of making mistakes, so I'm not going to heed to every warning without first thinking over it myself.

Update: I still do plan to visit her on Labor Day weekend. The reasons why my mom stopped me from ever visiting Melonie was the whole monetary issue. The fact is, I'm more financially stable now than I EVER was with Melonie, and I still was able to fund trips to see her. Going to visit Shawna will be cheaper, and I'm financially able to support these trips. Unless there other good reasons why I shouldn't do this, I'll probably not go, but it seems like something that's going to happen for sure.